Now, though, for the first time in my life, I am truly mentally tough. There were times when people in my life would notice bags under my eyes, and I’d have to assure them that it was just because of a bad night’s sleep. From an early age, that type of mental toughness led me to live half-truths with my parents, friends, teammates, coaches, and even my wife. And for many players it can lead us to struggle in the shadows. I began to realize that, as an athlete, the myth of mental toughness is perpetuated as an asset - or in some cases when a player isn’t perceived as tough enough, a deal-breaker. I know these topics aren’t unique to me - which means that there are hundreds of guys in the league who have experiences from their youth that weigh them down today, even if they don’t know it. We spoke about the intense pressure I’d felt to “make it out” of my neighborhood in Columbus, Georgia. I pinpointed the childhood traumas, like the divorce of my parents, that had begun to turn into anxiety when I was young. I met a therapist who changed my entire perspective on life. I want everyone to know that they can get through the toughest moments in their lives.Īfter the Seahawks released me, I did the one thing I had always been afraid and ashamed to do: I sought help. It starts with the courage to understand that you can’t do this alone. But if us men - especially male athletes - are too scared to ask, then there’s only so much we can do. I want everyone to know that they can get through the toughest moments in their lives. I don’t want anyone to rely on luck anymore. They might be five minutes away, or they might be five months - and the closer they get, the more they’ll need luck, like I did. I also told that story because I know that there could be somebody reading this who is on a path to their own hill, in their own car. I wouldn’t have held my new daughter in my arms two months later.Īnd I can barely bring myself to think of my life without her, or my wife. What if it all had just gone that much different? What if the weight of the car had just tipped me over? I told you that because of how lucky I got. I told you the story of that day, of that hill, not because I want sympathy. Now, two years later, I’m on a different mission than I was then, and it means a great deal to me. They listened to me and truly played a part in saving my life.
The Seahawks released me the next day in order to allow me to seek the help I needed. Because you as a person, you as an individual … you have a family to protect. All you need to worry about is getting yourself healthy. He said, “Football doesn’t matter anymore, Marcus. I need to get help.” I had tears pouring down my face and was barely able to express myself. I told him, “Coach, I can’t do this right now. I got inside, found the trainers and told them that I’d tried to kill myself. I had to go talk to Pete Carroll and the rest of the coaches and let them know what was going on. And eventually I backed the car away from the edge of the cliff and drove to the facility.
So, she kept me there, or maybe I kept her there. I didn’t have an answer that would get her off the phone. The answer I had in my head made sense to me, but I couldn’t articulate it to her. She had no idea what I had been going through, and she asked why I wanted to take my own life. There was this tone - almost a rhythm - to her voice that just … it hit me. I could tell right away that she knew something was wrong. On the morning of August 16, that was where I decided I was going to kill myself. I vividly remember it hovering there.Īnd then my phone rang again - it was my mother-in-law. I edged the car closer to the top of the slope. I was in such a bad place - I was so lost - that it didn’t matter what she said to me. She was seven months pregnant with our first child at the time. I sat there at the top of the hill, and I got close. I thought that all the stress, the anxiety attacks, the fear … I just thought they would all go away if I put the car in drive, took my hands off the wheel and just let it go. I’d begun to hate what football had become to me. It’s hard to explain how I had gotten to that point. If the roads got slick, it just seemed like it would be really easy to make a mistake there.Īnd on the morning of August 16, that was where I decided I was going to kill myself. I thought about it a lot because of how dangerous it looked.
Off the shoulder, there was this rocky slope that went straight down.
But there was this hill I’d drive down every time. Not much to see on the drive, nothing really stood out. I’d head out of my neighborhood, onto the highway, around Lake Washington and I’d get there. I’d usually leave around 6:30 in the morning. I’d done it a bunch of times in the summer of 2018. The drive from my house to the Seahawks’ facility was easy.
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